if only I were a black, transgender, gay, disfigured, crippled, mentally retarded midget from detroit aka meandering analysis of the insititution & me

Part I (draft)
Sometimes I get the feeling that we’re all just protecting ourselves because that is all there is left to protect. At college (the institution), the competition is stringent and rightfully so as the instructors are particularly discerning in even what constitutes a spectacular student and ‘just’ a good one. Perhaps this microcosm that is the institution is a reflection of the greater and even more depressing reality but per my scruples, may I avoid digressing further as I have already—I have not yet explored sufficiently the world that surrounds me. I am however quite confident that the institution is the vehicle of the so-called “American equality,” not in the sense that it is actually an egalitarian method for creating a single class social structure but in the sense that it gives just about everyone hope and opportunity. Oftentimes I find hope quite the vague concept and ‘America, the land of opportunity’ sickeningly cliché—to understand this equality then, it is crucial that we do not misconstrue it as everyone is also everyone. To clarify, not everyone is equal but most everyone has an equal opportunity and hence the beauty of American social mobility.
Recently a good friend of mine linked me to his blog. Like most adolescents the topics of discussion revolved around friends, interests in girls, rejection from girls, misunderstanding women, angst, but the most recent post of the 6 or 8 posts total held a related discussion on the institution. Now, the blog even with its dearth of posts sufficiently balanced itself with overlong prose, it was also riddled with grammatical and spelling errors and interspersed with gaps of reasoning and logic—needless to say, it was a largely imperfect affair. At the same time, it held in its voice the simple honesty and down-to-earth posture of a best friend speaking to his confidant—if I may, the post is arguably a stream-of-consciousness piece in the truest sense of the term. Perhaps this was why he had made it ‘private’ and limited the amount of users viewing his thoughts—after all we’re all just protecting ourselves these days. Possibly the most ironic twist is that in introspection it is the institution that has most helped hone my skills in manipulating the ever-malleable instrument that is the English language into what is seen here—a veil blanket over a disfigured child of my thoughts. Again, with the cumbersome metaphor, disposable simile, and overly-florid imagery...
After perusing the post, I had come to the conclusion that we had much in common. In the “post,” he called the competition at the institution “fierce.” He also complains in a blunt manner that the instructors here “suck (which I disagree somewhat).” Most importantly, he recognizes that he feels out-of-place. From a purely utilitarian standpoint, it can be assumed to that he too is here only for a chance at elevating himself within the social ladder because all this education and preparation and tests and courses and reading certainly does not help people discover themselves as so many have claimed. Discovering yourself through the educational system rarely occurs if ever and it is just a modest euphemism for, ‘Fuck yes, I had a 4.0 GPA and graduated from an Ivy League. With my degree in Astrophysics, I make millions and get blowjobs during my lunch break from underdeveloped high school chicks.’ Forgive the exaggerated parody, I only hope to illustrate my point—the goal is simple and universal. Generally, everyone is the same, therefore everyone is protecting themselves—their goals and interests. But while I agree with many of his key points, our ideas do eventually diverge. Unlike my friend, I understood that the institution would be a logical and consequently more demanding next step in the educational system so the increased challenge was to be expected. Competition I suppose is actually beneficial in that it creates an environment which catalyzes advancement in the myriad fields contained within any institution. What I did not expect was that I would flounder from its sheer magnitude and that I would not be able to mentally adapt to my newfound context.
On my journey, I have found people like my friend who is similar in predicament as I but I have also found people that succeed at just about every level of the institution. To those people, I would like to express my sincere respect for you and your accomplishments because I know there are many sacrifices that must be made in any process that results in success. To my professors, I express a similar reverence. Although I confess that I make comparisons to between me and others, some purely based on academic performance, these comparisons have little consequence—most of the time, I am just aware and I seldom alter myself because of how others do. What needs to be understood is that my experiences here do not speak for the experiences of others.
In my narcissism I shall revert the focus of the effects of the institution to myself. To further my self-indulgence, I shall say this: I am thoroughly frustrated with the institution but even more so, I am frustrated in my inadequacy, my incompetence. Every time I bemoan these frustrations, the coincident of wishful thinking occurs—I’ll do better next time. Optimism are of parental origin I assume because my parents have never let up hope on me—this I take solace in. Tran, who is a high school friend of mine, occasionally calls me to wish me academic wellness. This I also take solace in. His enthusiastic extroversion regarding the institution is something to behold as is his successes in Cal Poly Pomona. By reasoning with me, he concludes that only by extinguishing my reliance on the internet would I be allowed to potentially succeed in the institution. His admonishments and encouragement are meaningful and logical. Perhaps, my troubles do stem from my reliance on the internet—maybe it is time to acknowledge that I have a chronic addiction to the online contraption but this oversimplification is a misstep in reasoning.
At this junction, please allow me to quote Gnarls Barkley,

“Everybody is somebody but nobody wants to be themselves… Whenever you want to understand yourself, you got to talk to somebody else,”
“Why is this my life? That’s probably everybody’s question… and I’ve tried everything but suicide but yeah it’s crossed my mind”

At this point, I think I’ve reached the coming prelude of nadir because I have sunk low and I only hope to live until I experience a meaningful climax in life. The inclusion of lyrics in this discussion is admittedly jarring but their simplicity beautifully encapsulates the goal of the institution, which is to change ourselves and my having invested more than a year into institution realizes that, for lack of a better word, even within the context of the institution nothing is easy—there are no shortcuts.
They say the soul’s organ lives inside the head—I can hear it swelling it up with uncertainty. It’s easy to lump yourself into the group that had so much potential. There’s the much alluded ‘failure to live up to his potential.’ It must be difficult for anybody to confront that and come to terms with it.
Neither the lyrics nor the lazy moral-of-the-story interlude serve as the topics of discussion however, they do highlight my deterrent psychology.
I realize these are nothing more than scattered ideas and subplots—I’m just trying to be honest like my friend (name withheld). There is a pop song that somehow parallels my frustration. (How embarrassing to have life relayed through a fleeting pop song?) Like most pop songs, it is a song about a broken relationship. The male counterpart is thoroughly frustrated and we hear it from his standpoint. The song is called “The Past is a Grotesque Animal.” How unlikely that a pop song about a heartbreak could somehow relate to my situation—very. My relationship with the institution has been a longstanding one and through most of its course has been fruitful and even rewarding.
(To be continued)